Rollercoasters

Even in the midst of treatment for cancer I have found something to admonish myself for. Part of my soul is relieved as, since I found that lump at the end of June, I seem to be reinventing myself as a wise and content woman of strength, dealing maturely with the challenges that have been thrown up. I can now assure you that inside all that dressing there still lurks a very frightened child screaming ‘why me?’ and ‘it’s all my fault; I deserve this’. Yes, very confusing I agree. So what disappointment has simultaneously soothed and reprimanded? The fact that I promised myself (and by extension my band of readers) a blog at each stage of this process and yet weeks and events have passed with my fingers not reaching for the keyboard. I have thought about writing a number of times and even, unusually for me, thought of a title for the blog before setting finger to keyboard; but it is only now, when I know I’ve ‘let myself down’ that I can get to the job of writing. Why? What is happening now?