Day 14 – The Lesson for Today

I’m stretching the concept of ‘contentment’ today to include embarrassed smugness.  I have a trainee teacher in with one of my lessons, she’s lovely and going to be a very good teacher.  She’s a languages teacher, but the training school thought she ought to get some experience with PSHE as it is often parachuted into timetables as a filler, and would be useful on her CV.  I’m quite passionate about good quality PSHE education.  I’ve taught some appalling PSHE lessons in my time, and yet when I left my last job, the cards I had from my young students were touching and demonstrated maturity of thought, so perhaps my assessment of myself isn’t always dead accurate.

Day 13 Silence is Golden

I have to discipline myself with garden tasks, because I find once you start a job in the garden it quickly mushrooms and becomes a big project.  With limited energy levels and concentration, it’s really important not to take on too much.  I get easily dispirited at the moment, the ‘critical voice’ within me rising to tell me that I can do nothing properly, as evidenced by my single state.  This is self-destructive, and as I am given to such a mindset, sometimes it feels better not to try, than to try and fail.  Again, I would propose that this reaction too, is unhelpful.  I used to write lists and have written elsewhere of my ex-husband’s habit of writing an impossibly long list of jobs to do in a day, then beat himself up, and somehow manage to blame me as well, when he only achieved two of the jobs, which in actual fact was about all a normal human being could expect to do.

Day 12 - Counting my Blessings

The sun is shining, the roses I planted all those years ago are bursting into fragrant beauty. 

The lupin is a white spire that just fits next to the hosta, which is enormous and lush, and remarkably, largely free of slug damage. 

The solomon’s seal I planted in the shade drips with little gems next to another hosta, variegated in bright stripes.  I’ve bought petunias to plant in the troughs on the window sills and so it is with a smile I return to the warmth and sunshine and continue to enjoy this lovely summer Sunday.

Day 11 - Saved from The Bridge

There is always a moment when the dementors get you.  That hopeless ‘why am I bothering’ moment.  If I’m honest this thought haunts and tempts me, and it is writing, this act of self revelation that helps me not fall prey to their kiss, not willingly offer up my soul for the numbing emptiness of the nothing of existence.

So how do you feel about that?  Pity? Embarrassment? Envy?   Yet today my moment of contentment was talking not to one, but two friends, who are gamely ploughing through my prose.  And being friends to me.  

Day 10 – Pink, the new black

I woke this morning, aware that I had slept the night through, even though my dreams were not always fun.  Fortunately the cottage is in a very quiet spot in the centre of the city, and sleeping with window open doesn’t rack up the decibels.  So, more refreshed than I’ve felt in a while I got up to make my morning cup of tea, and a little shot of happiness was promptly administered.

Day 9 – Focus

Back at work today, and as much as I was nervous about my ability to cope, I knew I had to, and you know what, I did.  Ok, everything took much longer today than normal, but fortunately study leave still continues for the sixth form.  I managed to teach the lessons I had left, although I did have to print off a five minute lesson plan, something I haven’t used since last September, just so I could get my head round the flow and dynamics of the lesson I was planning.  Normally I can hold all the variables in my head, but not today.  Admittedly whilst collecting my printing, I did offer some help to one of our PGCE students who had that ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’ look in his eyes I know so well as he was telling me about the lesson he was planning for his final assessment.  It is to the credit of my dear colleagues in my last job (you know who you are) that I feel so at home with mechanics of teaching, aware that the processes of learning are far more complex and interesting than the ‘man on the street’ (please forgive the implicit sexism, the phrase ‘person on the street’ somehow doesn’t convey the same sense) might think.  So there I was asking about how he was demonstrating progress, suggesting peer assessment using a modified mark scheme might help, how was he differentiating his questioning, all the time watching his mind sort solutions to his problems, watching his shoulders relax.  Ok, I’ve lost most of you, but hopefully all will realise that I forgot the pain that haunts my days and nights, and immersed myself in the present, and the job I love.

Day 8 – The Storm Passes

Another difficult day has, at last, ended.  Not much of anything that might be called ‘contentment’ has happened today, except the wind that has so buffeted us has finally abated.  It is warm enough to have the back door open and a bird is singing loudly, and I like to think joyously, as dusk approaches in my little garden.  Thanks to my last 2+  plus years with the Last Man, I know this bird is a blackbird.  That he is not here to share this quiet pleasure with me is, sadly, still a pain I have to bear.