Constant Cravings

It’s been a battle to get to the laptop and start to write again.  This ‘battle’ has been a symptom of my way of life in recent months: a struggle to justify why I do what I do, and why I need to go on.

It is dangerous to go on about the appeal of suicide, partly because, in my case, it seems like crying wolf; if I was really serious, surely I would have done something by now? 

How do you mend a broken heart?

I wish I knew.  But the question isn’t really how you mend it, but how it got broken.  Were you careless, giving yourself away to one who didn’t respect you?  Were you deceived by one who understood how to manipulate and use your good intentions?  What made you so unacceptable that despite all the comforts and affirmations, ultimately you just weren’t worth the effort?  Are you really so inferior to the next who has sped to the side of your beloved, piling pain upon pain?

and let me repeat myself......

Sugar

Just supposing,

I’ve had all the love due to me.

It is done.

And this heart that tries not to yearn

Is a design fault.

I was meant to be cold,

Or indifferent,

Or scheming,

Make the most of the guilt,

And the half hearts,

The promises meant

With best before dates.

Just God’s hand wobbled

Over the test tube,

A few grains split.

The spoonful went to another,

Who will always perplex

The other that loves him,

Why he doesn’t seem able

To dissolve into oneness,

As two souls do.

So they tell me.

Maybe that’s it,

God’s wobbly hand

Gives some of us spoonfuls,

Others just grains,

Of sweetness, so pure.

But all designed

To receive the full dose,

And nothing to tell us

Why indifferent could be better,

How cold would release us,

From the sentence unearned

Of a wobbling hand.

The Colours

After a gap of months, or maybe even years, I've written another poem.  I think you can be safe to assume my recovery is taking its time.

Day 22, Catch Up 1 – The Chiropractor

I left the laptop in Suffolk on Wednesday night as I knew DN2 needed to use it, and I was about to go on my travels.  So here I am catching up with things that made me content.  I’m pleased to say quite a lot has made me happy in the last few days.  I have worried of the value of writing so often, about the narcissism of writing about myself, but it’s also been necessary.  I am managing the pain of loss but as the next piece shows, the pain of loss has a way of being there whether you like it or not.

Day 21 Midsummer Madnesses

I made my mind up early in the day as what would qualify for this challenge.  I even told someone I had found my challenge moment, but actually, I’ve changed my mind.  To be truthful I’m not even sure which I would want to hold the pole position for this Tuesday, so I’ve going to mention both, and you can choose, or not, as you want.

Day 20 - Thank You for the Music

The weekly, and sometimes biweekly, trips to work from home are perhaps the most difficult times in my week.  The leaving of one place where I am happy and content with friends around me, to go to another where I find my job rewarding but am always aware I am alone and new to the area and living a kind of half-life, is not easy.  Equally, having settled in at the cottage and found myself a rhythm and peace, to go back home and fit in with a life I have missed for a few days isn’t straight forward either.  When I was with the Last Man it was thrilling to have these two facets to my life, but now much of what I found so exciting about the city is no longer here, and it is looking at how I manage the transition that has occupied my thoughts for the blog today.