Day 16 – Back to the Gym

The breakup of my relationship has not been easy.  Partly this is because I’ve done this before.  I know how difficult I was when my marriage ended, how much trouble I caused, how utterly melodramatic I was.  In my defence I couldn’t help it, I remember sitting on my bed and weeping for hours in helpless pain.  I remember walking for miles just to calm the ‘what on earth is going to happen to me’ panic.  I remember the terrible suicidal thoughts overwhelming me so the only way out I could see was to end the pain. 

I have had break ups since then, but nothing has meant as much to me as this Last Man.  It really hurts to have my happy ever after ended so quickly.  I’m too close to it to understand it, and I suppose that is what bewildered me when my marriage broke up; I just couldn’t see why.  Years of psychotherapy and a veritable wine lake of merlot, and I found I now understand, accept and acknowledge that I wasn’t an innocent sorely used, that our relationship broke down, and I had a part to play.  It was a relief to consign my marriage to my past, but it took time, many, many years in fact.  I’m a long way from that relief now, still living with the pain, but equally trying not to give in to the crying, knowing the ‘bridge thoughts’ nestle not far from me, and would overwhelm in an instant if I wasn’t disciplined and determined.

But I am determined.  I have no idea what my future holds.  I know for the moment I don’t want to try, in some senses I don’t want to go forward.  You may be unsurprised to learn, I have no profile on internet dating sites, I have not been hanging round bars with lip gloss, too much cleavage and a desperate look in my eyes. I have, however, returned to the gym.  I have stopped mainlining crisps and chocolate and my wine consumption is back to safe-ish limits.  I managed to strain a calf muscle on a run about 3 weeks ago, which combined with my break up, put me on the sofa with the ‘treats’ rather than managing my stress levels in more physical pursuits.  Today I got back there though, with the help of my tolerant and understanding trainer.  She was disappointed that I had lost my condition, because she could see I was on the edge of going to the next level of fitness, and I have slumped back.  However, she did not admonish, but encouraged yet again, and so the bridge is barely in focus and I live in this moment now, admittedly a quite painful moment, but not one I am avoiding or running from.  Just living with.